When Life Gives You Lemons, Make More Than Just Lemonade

I fcking love HELP World Mental Health Day! -- wish I can have a car bumper sticker saying that in bold red letters.

Aside from the mental awareness we're carrying out, the good cause and what not, I really love hanging out with the people who constitute it. Being an introvert (I've never really realised I was one until I stepped foot into University), it finally hit me hard that it is pretty easy to make friends.

Step 1: Stop being shy and start approaching people. Stop expecting people to come approach you instead. 

Step 2: Just open your mouth and start talking some random shit. If you're lucky, people will respond to you. If not move on and find other victims.

But I'm lucky enough to find that one friend I can always rely on eventhough it means being in her shadows sometimes. But it also means being able to share the fun she's having XD

Note to self: Try to be yourself but at the same time, be more comical and get rid of whatever insecurities. "Sometimes I wish insecurity is a non-existent"-- I tweeted that yesterday :D

"Life teaches you so much when you grab the opportunities presented to you"-- aside from getting a more in depth knowledge on addiction, World Mental Health Day has taught me so much more. Brought along so much exposure. Gave me the opportunity to try new things, things I wanted to do but never really thought was possible. 

The people there are genuinely kind, so warm, funny and witty. It was an overwhelming feeling to be accepted and be apart of such a big family. They're so passionate-- they can go on with sleepless nights but still manage to find time to have fun. It's so intriguing and interesting to see their burning flame-- why do they do it? What are their reasons? I feel so inspired, I've decided I'll give it my all also to contribute as much as possible before we end everything in October. 

I'm ranting all these because I'm still having the Penang fever. Had the time of my life! I wish I could hug and hold on to everyone for a longer period of time but the new semester has to kick in (awww dang!). 

[Awesome team of flash-mobbers in Penang]

I'll write a full cover up story on my experience in HELP WMHD when everything is over in October. Just less than 2 more months to go-- let's make the best out of it! 

Murder mode: ON

The good news is my grandad is recovering well now. The bad news is he's getting picky about his food and more easily irritated.

I'm not feeling very well myself. Physically, I'm healthy. But mentally, I'm just drained out.

How many times do I have to listen to people tell me their problems? Don't get me wrong. I love listening to people, if it means getting some load off their shoulder. But it's another thing when I listen but feel so helpless. Then the feeling of helplessness will turn into annoyance and I will immediately get into "murder mode". "Murder mode" is like the game Fruit Ninja, but instead of slicing fruits, I want to slice people's faces.

I don't know if this is the feeling of helplessness or it's the crazy hormones or BOTH.

I just got off the phone after listening to my friend cry. She cried out her frustration, anger and annoyance and all I could do was say "Calm down". I don't know if I should slap myself for not being able to make her feel better or slap that person who got her in that state.

I don't know.

So many things are happening in such a short span of time. I don't know how I somehow managed to get myself spiraled up in their web of mess.

I just don't know.

The Big C Hits Again

Cancer. Don't you think cancer is such a bitch? It's even more of a bitch because it'll just spread to wherever it wants. 

The world could do better without cancer. I did a paper on breast cancer recently. It is the number one cause of death in women all around the world. No surprise there.

Last time I asked you to pray for my grandmother. This time round I'm asking you to please pray for my grandfather.

We recently found out that he has colon cancer. It sounds so scary. I don't know much details. We don't know what stage the cancer is at now. We'll have to wait for after the surgery to find out. 

They say, God has a plan worked out for us. I've put some thoughts into it. What are His plan this time? Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming God for all of this though. I'm just wondering, why my grandpa? Why now when he's in his 70s? Is it possible to trade places with him? I would volunteer, any time any day.

My grandpa's surgery will be on next Tuesday. And what sucks is that that is the day I'm heading back to KL. The timing this month has been a pain in the ass especially for me. I wish I could stay in Malacca, to help out after the surgery or something. Or to just be physically present there.

My family members haven't exactly told my grandparents the truth about the cancer. My grandpa knows that he has to go for an operation but he thinks that it is just because of some ulcer and growth. They call it polyps (?), no idea what that is. But the lab report showed that the growth is positive for cancer. 

I'm pretty confident that the surgery will go well. I read an article online about colon cancer just now. I pray that the cancer cells have not metastasize and spread to other areas or else chemotherapy and sometimes radiation may be necessary. Chemotherapy is another bitch. I've seen my aunt go through it and it sucked the energy out of her. I'm afraid my grandpa will be too weak for it

And get this, the risk of getting colon cancer increases as you get older. What kind of sick joke are you playing, world?

I'm trying not to think so much about this.

God, I know I don't pray often but this time round, please please please take good care of my grandpa. 

What's Your Reason?

A friend asked me,

"Kelsey, why do you come to Kapar to teach every week?"

I don't really have an answer for it. All I know is I enjoy doing it. 

You know that feeling when what you're trying to get through actually gets delivered? Yea, that really comforting feeling. 

That's why I do it every week. 

Funny Encounter

Just now after class, a guy approached me to help fill up some questionnaire for him. He asked,

"Are you in a relationship?"

"No"

"Were you in a relationship before?"

"No"

"Do you wish to be in a relationship?"

"HELL YES!" O,O

Needless to say, I didn't qualify to answer the questionnaire T.T

The Re:ed Project

So I recently joined the Re:ed project, something that HELP University is a part of with a few other Teach For Malaysia members. What we do is, volunteer to teach weaker students in SMK Tengku Idris Shah in Kapar, Selangor.

I've attended only 2 sessions so far and I'm teaching English to a few fourteen years old girls. Every time when we are done for the day, the pioneer/ founder of this program sort of, will say a few encouraging words and thank us for helping out because he's really down with volunteers at this moment. 

I heard him say those words twice already. And it's quite saddening actually because these kids will come to school, not pay attention in classes, fight with their friends and the cycle just repeats every single day. Then there are those notorious ones who will join gangs and do just about everything but study. 

But there are also students who want to study but they just don't understand what the heck is going on in class. These are students we hope to help. 

They are waaaayy behind in their studies. Like the girls whom I'm 'tutoring' now, they're actually still reading storybooks with one big picture and just a sentence in a page. What shocks me even more is that they can sometimes pronounce and read the words in the books but they don't necessarily understand the meaning of the sentence. I can try speaking to them in English and asking them simple questions but they're too shy to respond back in English. And I know that they understand what I'm saying because they can translate it in Malay! 

Today, however we played the game 'Stack Up' (?) and I could see some improvements in them. These little improvements and their interest plus effort to come to school every Saturday to study, however small it is, for me, it says something. Maybe their future is not so bleak after all. Maybe the efforts that the volunteers put in will not go to waste after all. 

Another reason that they fall behind in class is because of the distractions caused by other kids. Bored kids. I'm not trying to be sexist but these kids are usually the male kids. We were brought to tour around the school just now and believe me when I say that this is the first time I see bent ceiling fan blades and the legs of the plastic tables being ripped apart. Even the metal gates were partially destroyed. These students even tried to burn down the back of the class! 

I thought I saw the worse when I was in Form 6 in a co-ed school but this is beyond, way beyond what I expected. 

It's unbelievable what these 14 years old boys can do. Imagine what they will be like in a few years if this kind of attitude persists. 

Then it comes the question, who is to blame for all of these? Honestly, I don't know because it is debatable. But hey, nobody's pointing finger at anybody now. 

Conclusion is, we can try to help them as much as possible, but at the end of the day if they don't try to help themselves then everything will just be for nothing. So I'm happy to see some familiar faces who come to class in hopes of getting something in the 2 hours we spend with them. I wish that we can find more volunteers so that these students can be personally tutored instead of doing it in pair or in a group of four. 

So if your university has a similar program like this, go and volunteer! For me, it means sacrificing about 4-5 hours of my Saturdays. But I find it really beneficial also because along the way I'm improving my Bahasa :) 

Do good and God blesses you in ways you cannot imagine. 

Just Living Each Day

What is your take on life? 

If someone approaches me and asks me that, this would be my answer:

Life is short so live everyday like it's your last. Cos you don't know when you're going to leave this world. Or you don't know when someone dear to you is going to leave your side forever. Then you'll live your days regretting not spending enough time with him/ her. Or how you never got to say 'I love you' enough. 

Make plans for the future. But don't take it for granted that tomorrow you'll open your eyes. 

You're probably wondering why I'm suddenly being so melodramatic. Haha. 

I suppose it's the hormones. 

Right now I feel like I have a situation at hand. I don't know if I'm sending mixed signals or vice versa. Sometimes I feel like I fit in but sometimes I feel like a misfit. All I know is I enjoy being there but there are times when I don't feel like myself. But if I don't grab the chance and test the water, how will I ever know, right? 

Sigh. 

Definitely the hormones talking right now.