Funny how every break up song can be linked to how much you miss someone who passed away. And since I have not been in a relationship before, hence no break up for me so it has to be the latter.
Despite her being away for 5 years, it still brings tears to my eyes remembering every single detail during those last few moments with her.
Just the other day I had a heart to heart talk with a close friend. It was sort of relieving but to bring up all those memories, it sort of dampens my mood these few days.
Yesterday also I had a sudden realisation that things can never really be the same again. While it was almost impossible to meet up with a best friend yesterday, it hit me that in the following years, we might only meet one another once or twice a year.
Can things really remain the same? Even with the advancement of technology, with our individual schedules, we often have to leave messages in each other's inbox and wait for the reply from the other party. There isn't really a time when 3 people can be online at the same time.
And video chatting couldn't possibly substitute for it. There's no personal touch to it. And it depends on the Internet connection also, which often in my case is terrible like shit.
Regardless of all that, I'm still thankful for that opportunity to meet up. It felt like everything just fell into place. Whether it was a coincidence or not that my trip was cancelled at the last minute could also be a blessing from God.
Sometimes I feel guilty for putting friends first before family. But close friends are like family to me, theoretically speaking. They're just not blood-related but sometimes I feel that they understand me better than my family. I feel bad that I am more comfortable confiding in my friends than my own flesh and blood.
I have so much to let out but I can't because of the possibility of hurting the people that I love. It feels so frustrating sometimes but really, what can I do about it?
I feel really uncomfortable with this dark aura around me recently. I want things to go back to the way they were, however naive and stupid that might sound. I need things to be okay again so I can concentrate on more important things. I want to fix them but I don't know how to and where to start.
All I can possibly think now is to run away from there. Run far enough to leave that trail of thoughts behind.
